This post, like the other two, are completely unedited. As much as it pains my Virgo-ego to leave things half-done, I want to share what a real first draft looks like. They’re long, tough to read and they often don’t have a definite purpose.
But at least what I’ve shared is honest. This is the real process I go through. Even though my sentences are twice the length I’d like them to be, I hope to be 100% honest (repeat word) as I take you along my self-made writing journey (redundant thought, can you see that?)
This stage in my writing process is usually the point where, as a painter, I take a step back from the piece I’m writing (The Garbage First Post) to see what I’ve created thus far.
But I’m struggling to do this today because I’m tired. This writing challenge has added a new task to my already busy life, so my mind, body, and soul are freaking out a bit. My thoughts aren’t clear, and my inner control panel (have you seen the movie Inside Out? So good.) is getting frantic (not sure frantic is the right word here)
I really want to keep writing, but the fog is setting in, and I can sense a writer’s block coming on.
My #1 symptom for writer’s block: ruminating. Like a cow, my mind is fixedly chewing over the words I wrote in Day 2’s post. And since ruminating mimics the anxiety response, the fear I’m going nowhere with this challenge is sinking in.
WTF am I doing here.
I’d like to walk away and breathe for a moment but my day is full. My kid got me up, but my ruminating is keeping me up. It’s 5:48 AM, and this is my only time to write today.
Ok, stop. Everything I just wrote came out in one long breath, but something is telling me I need to pause. My intention for this 3rd post was to write about “stepping back” from the original piece, but my writing (which is often my intuition’s first language) has guided me to stop.
I feel I’m being led to step back, from my step back. (Sorry, I can’t come up with a better way of saying this right now, but I promise I’ll come back and show you how to fix this later)
This is a feeling I have. As I’ve casually mentioned, I don’t write using conventional or “planned” writing methods. I have no editorial calendar for this 100 Day Challenge. I’m literally following my intuition on this.
Logically I was supposed to wrap things up, but my mind isn’t focused (passive voice) on Day 1’s garbage or yesterday’s mess.
Part of me feels a yearning to go back and make something beautiful out of the mess, but again I feel tired and I’m starting to panic. The thoughts, “this is a stupid idea,” “you’ve explained nothing,” “no one will get it” are getting louder and louder.
This is a sign that I need to get clear. If I really want to accept my role as a light worker (someone who seeks to brighten the world with the work, not darken it), I have to keep my light bright first.
Even though I’d like to keep writing, I have to trust what’s actually being written (passive voice again). This post is no longer about cleaning up garbage; it’s evolved into a piece about the mind of a writer.
As I just wrote the words, “mind of a writer,” I unconsciously took a deep breath. Here again, a sign.
I can feel my intention for this blog is trying to evolve, and like a brave mama, I need to let this baby find it’s own way. Writing this post has felt expansive, whereas re-working Day 2’s mess felt limiting.
Hmmm… Not at all what I’d expected to write, but I’m liking this pivot. It’s real, honest, very vulnerable, yet I feel a lot less scared. (Probably because these posts are some of the worst pieces of writing I’ve ever shared and it wasn’t as scary as I’d expected)
To recap: In Day’s 1-3 I’ve shared my first draft of my very first posts on this blog. In the following days, I’ll walk you through my process of turning boring and poorly written blog posts into something worth reading.
Follow me on Instagram @onemomswords for Day 4 of my #100DayChallenge to see how I turn this post into something a little less terrible. This is a new blog: no branding yet, no pictures yet, no writing voice yet, no newsletter yet. Just words. Lots of garbage words.